A Second Voice...

Carrie and I talked last week about both of us using this medium as a way to archive our journey through the adoption process. I don't want to put words in Carrie's mouth, or take this experience away from her, so hopefully it will be easy to figure out which of us is writing at any given time...

We had our first homestudy meeting yesterday with Brenda from AdoptInc! I can't speak for Carrie, but I was very pleased with the way the meeting went. Brenda really feels like she's going to be a coach for us, and we definitely need someone to help walk us through the process. She praised us for all of the work we'd done in chasing down papers. She answered every question I had, and she really put off a good vibe. I'm really glad to have her on our side. She also gave us a stack of articles to read, a reading list, and a self-study assignment for our next meeting in three weeks. As of yesterday afternoon, the books are on their way, so we'll be able to get started on them soon.

Speaking of books, I found a really good one at the local library and then convinced Carrie to read it when I was done. "The Brotherhood of Joseph" by Brooks Hansen is the tale of his family's journey from marriage, to finding out they were infertile, to what seemed like an extraordinarily long time trying fertility treatments, to their eventual adoption of a Russian child. Although it was heartbreaking at times, the book is a rare look at the man's perspective in this situation. It opened my eyes to the differences between men and women during the fertility or adoption process, and I can already tell that I'm going to fall into the same sort of mold. For instance, men usually find it easier to throw themselves into their work or to go on with their lives during the long waiting periods. Women tend to worry more and need more outside support; more assurances that everything is moving forward. Men can give up control and wait; women feel helpless when there isn't an immediate goal, or something they can do. I often give engaged men the advice (from my own experience) that no matter how bad it gets prior to the wedding, the woman they proposed to will return to them after the wedding is over. I think I'm in for the same sort of experience here.

One other thing has become clear so far. There are a lot of decisions to be made, a lot of soul-searching to be done, and a lot of talking Carrie and I need to do to make sure we're on the same page. Monday night, we discussed the difference between the words "atheist" and "non-believer", talking for the first time in a while about what we each believed. Last night, we started talking about our requirements for a birth mother, only to find out that I may have had different criteria in mind than she does. Carrie seems to think instinct will take over, whereas I'm questioning what decision criteria we can use. Do we take the first situation that comes up? If not, what reasoning do you use to come to that decision? We had both previously decided we were open to children of other races - we've explored international adoptions from both China and Ethiopia - but that was when we were limiting ourselves to one country. Now that we're looking at domestic adoption, are we still as open to that idea? I guess we'll have to figure those things out before too long.